My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
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I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
welp
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Zack Greinke stories are the best
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist