I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
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Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how