My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
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Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.