I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
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finally found a reasonable question
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
This raises questions
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year