This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
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smh
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars