My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
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Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*