Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
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boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
hey, alexa
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.