Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
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inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
whatcha thinkin bout
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.