Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
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Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
I just ran a .003048K
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.