My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
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Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?