GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
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Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”