Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
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Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting