An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
You Might Also Like
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.