If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
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If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
gm
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE