Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
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My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Finally a use for spoilers…
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots