Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
You Might Also Like
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
I’m Sold!
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
beware of dog
(jukin media)
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
This is I, Robot all over again