probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
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[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
The little toadstool has spoken.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”