“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
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Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
i wish i could marry a nap
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.