KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
You Might Also Like
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Basketball games are very squeaky.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.