The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
couldn’t resist
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server