I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.