Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
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Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.