I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
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No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.