Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
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I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.