My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
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“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all