this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
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I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”