Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
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[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
We need more people like this.
can’t believe I got front row seats
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.