People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
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WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
This hospital has everything