Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
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Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?