GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
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I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Art by Pastelkatto
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
*limbos away from your hug*
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon