If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
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I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.