‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
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i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
when the buffet is more honest than your date