This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
You Might Also Like
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Just so funny