Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
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[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Print is alive and well!!!