Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
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*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.