He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
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Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.