[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
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Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.