The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
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Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st