Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
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Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
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God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
translated into Canadian
technically true but not a great slogan
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.