2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
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I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
The “research” scene in every horror movie
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?