I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
You Might Also Like
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Dear Lord..
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
So the ex texted me
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.