What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
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It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.