Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
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He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
wait.
I can’t stop laughing at this