For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
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Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less