I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
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I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
181.