WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
You Might Also Like
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
crazy
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
going to the ER y’all need anything
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.