I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
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Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.