“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
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A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Not now. I’m deglazing.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.