-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
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Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Alexa: *deep breath*
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son