My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
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STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!